The Loyal Dog of Learning to Love

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When I got my dog, Cedar, he was just 6 weeks old. I hadn’t been planning on getting a dog that day, but when I saw his fluffy little face popping out of the cardboard box in the parking lot, I knew my life would change. It wasn't a rational decision; something in me just knew it: this puppy and I were made for each other.

Even so, I was in new territory. I’d never had a dog before. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, and it didn’t take long to end the honeymoon as the first thing he did was poop: worms -all over my lap. Then (after he got some medicine and his energy back), he started to attack. As it turned out, he was much more of an ankle-biting gremlin than a sweet, cuddly pup in my lap.

Since then, dog training has been a humbling journey that’s included 3 different trainers. The first one came after Cedar ran away for three days. The trainer said the problem was that Cedar was insecure because my life was so insecure: Cedar and I had been living out of my van, and I guess he was confused about where we’d land. But establishing stability in my life was not quick or easy as one who’s committed to dreams that have taken such a long time developing.

The second trainer came after Cedar showed some aggression. This trainer said that Cedar needed clearer leadership: I was supposed to be the Alpha, not him. The trainer gave me a 3-hour talk (with handouts) about how to emulate the wolf-pack dynamics of Cedar’s ancestors, which included things like pretending to eat his food out of his bowl before I gave it to him. Open minded, I felt silly -but did it.

The other suggestions, however, were less attractive: I wasn’t supposed to let Cedar sleep in my bed (or he might not understand the hierarchy of our relationship). I was also only supposed to show him affection when he earned it (which meant no more cuddles for cuteness). To be honest, I wasn’t very consistent.

The third trainer came cuz Cedar was getting picky about eating. Plus, he wouldn’t come when I would call. When we went on walks, he would pull. I was getting frustrated with him more than I liked; I wanted a happy dynamic with the pup by my side. But this trainer had a whole new way: she taught me how to bond with Cedar each and every day. Rather than domination dynamics, she encouraged us to connect through communication and engaging interactions. We’d play games for him to eat. I taught him to spin around and made him special treats. In the process, she taught me how to talk to him; she helped us create a shared language.

Now we’re doing better than ever before, but it’s still a working relationship that continues to reflect my own transformation. Being a dog mama, like being a parent, certainly brings power into question. As I’m responsible for what happens, I want to make sure that he has safe interactions. But, the hard reality is that I don’t actually control him (a fact that was made evident when he was pulling me on the leash). No doubt: being responsible for what we can’t control is a vulnerable thing.

In the face of such vulnerability, the desire to dominate happens naturally. But, as I’ve learned with Cedar, domination doesn’t (ultimately) give me more control, or make us any safer. Though it was certainly valuable for me to create clear standards of behavior and consistently communicate them, the more I tried to control him, the less we felt connected. The less we felt connected, the less I was trusted. The less I was trusted, the more he misbehaved.

Still, it’s a tough pattern to break, especially as Alpha understandings of wolves (and power) saturate modern culture -even as the science behind it has been disproven. Here’s what happened:

In 1947 the animal behaviorist, Rudolph Schenkel did a study on wolf packs that described wolf dynamics as one of aggressive hierarchy (in which a top male and female fight the pack to obtain and maintain a dominant position). In this understanding, they control food sources and other pack behaviors (such as mating) through aggression.¹

The concept of wolf hierarchy through “alpha” leaders maintaining dominance over “beta” submissive wolves was then perpetuated in the best-selling book The Wolf: The Ecology and Behavior of an Endangered Species by wildlife biologist David Mech. It was at this time that the alpha archetype entered popular culture to glorify domination and shame submissive behaviors².

However, since then, a new understanding of wolves has been discovered by wildlife biologists that upends this aggressive-dominant understanding of wolves (and power) by painting them as much more caring, cooperative, and peaceful creatures³. Here’s what happened:

The original study by Rudolph Schenkel in 1947 was done on wolves that were in captivity; in wanting to study wolf behaviors up-close, Schenkel brought together different wolves from different places to live as a contrived pack. But, as it turns out, when wolves were observed in their natural habitat, a very different story emerged. Even David Mech, in the true spirit of scientific humility, admitted that the story of the wild wolves is very different from those kept in captivity. In fact, Mech has made major contributions to forming a new understanding⁴⁵. Here’s what the new evidence has revealed:

Wild-wolf packs are actually families in which those who were once considered “alphas” are really just caring parents, and those who were called “betas” are really just their good kids. Of course, it makes sense that only the parents would mate within the family (as siblings don’t tend to mate with each other cuz it’s not great for healthy gene pools). Similarly, rules around food and other behaviors are just good parenting measures. The wolf children obey because they respect their parents who care for them by protecting them, teaching them, and providing for them. In this model, displays of dominance tend to be less aggressive and more communicative, where erect postures and tails might say “I’m confident in my ability to guide and care for you as a parent.” Similarly, signs of submission could be interpreted as gestures of respect, affection, and trust from children to their parents.

Within the family dynamic, wild wolves are caring for each other, play with each other, and share knowledge with each other⁶. Though conflict is relatively low, when it does happen, the children go out of their way to make-up after a fight⁷. With that in mind, children in packs do not challenge their parents to become the leaders of the pack; instead they set-off to find a mate and start their own family.

All this to say, as it turns out, power in wild wolf-packs is cooperative. It’s generated and maintained through the trust that’s gained by caring for each other. Still, though this new understanding of wild wolf-pack dynamics has been public for over 20 years (David Mech aimed to correct his previous work in 1999 and 2000⁸), Alpha dynamics (as a cultural ideal of power) still persist today⁹ (as evident in my own story).

It makes sense to me: as the history of wolf-research shows, in contexts that are confined, contrived, and controlled, domination dynamics are the natural result. But, when wolves roam freely within the ecosystems that support them, the result is peaceful cooperation. So, in a society where so many of us have been disconnected from our wild world, I understand why those alpha dynamics often dominate our culture.

I’ve certainly seen Alpha dynamics in my own journey with Cedar in which transforming from domination into cooperation has not been immediate. Living in a society where being an Alpha female has been exalted as the most empowering way to be, it’s taken time to trust that care and consistency can be just as powerful as control (and even more effective in the long-run). It’s taken time to develop new habits, which have been especially hard when I’ve been scared or pressed. With that in mind, moving from domination to cooperation has included addressing stress, both to remove unnecessary stressors and improve the ways I handle the stress that can’t be avoided; it’s much easier to have peaceful power when my life is at peace (which, of course, is connected to the peace -or lack thereof- around me).

All this to say: dog-training has been a whole life transformation, not just a one-time session. Cedar coming into my life has facilitated a whole new way of relating. In the process, the most important part of the story is that through it all, Cedar has loved me. His love for my learning love is one of the greatest gifts that has ever been given to me. Without a doubt, it’s why I’m still here singing: to share the loyal love that holds us together as we discover the infinite joy of the heart’s true power.

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Stay Connected for New Content and Ways to Join Me:

1. https://davemech.org/wolf-news-and-information/schenkels-classic-wolf-behavior-study-available-in-english/

2. https://human-edge.com/alpha-male-and-female-leadership-myth/

3. https://mexicanwolves.org/blog-why-everything-you-know-about-wolf-packs-is-wrong/

4. https://davemech.org/wolf-news-and-information/

5. https://www.wolf.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/267alphastatus_english.pdf

6. https://www.livingwithwolves.org/about-wolves/social-wolf/

7. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0003347214000670

8. https://phys.org/news/2021-04-wolf-dont-alpha-males-females.html

9. https://www.sciencefriday.com/segments/alpha-wolf-myth/