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The Background Story:
Those Darn Difficulties in Developing Discernment
I’m half-a-year away from 40, and with over-the-hill coming quickly, choices about how to spend my energy feel increasingly important every day. Indeed, nothing says “choose wisely” like the tick-tock clock of perimenopause arriving early. With crow’s feet dancing ritualistically around my eyes (as if to summon soggy sheets like fire alarms at night), the Mid-Life-Muse of Blunt Boundaries can not deny that nothing is more precious than time.
Still, discernment about how to spend my life has been a difficult development. Like so many of us, I started out by making life choices that reflected the values, goals, and understandings of my culture. As discernment requires experience and understanding, when we’re young we don’t have much choice but to follow the compass of our culture.
Even so, over time, life has granted me challenges that made me question important parts of the map that I was given. Painful revelations from illness, disasters, and trauma made it impossible to deny that there were places that I’d need to forge my own way while staying connected to all the parts that inspire and empower me. So, while, at the heart of it, my life still reflects the values of my roots, I’ve spent much of my life trying to reconcile the blindspots there too.
This is the challenge of all generational growth: to strengthen what we’ve been given by noticing its weakness. But, it’s confusing. Developing discernment is an excruciatingly vulnerable experiment. So, while every generation does its best to improve upon the last, the inherent blindspots of new directions always leave more work for the next; in human evolution, this is a natural process.
That being said, in the process of growing up, I became drawn to those who were strong in places where my roots were weak and wounded. Again- it’s a natural thing to do: when we’ve got no sense of direction, it makes sense to be attracted to those who offer guidance.
That being said, I was so insecure in these places that I often handed over my whole compass. As a result, I was vulnerable to unrequited crushes and idolization of those who had confidence where I lacked it.
Ultimately, this led to cycles of rejection: because I was drawn to those who were strong where I was ashamed to be weak, I wanted their approval desperately, but never felt worthy. For years this endless state of rejection perpetuated a lack of confidence, and ultimately led me to believe that I’d be lucky to receive anyone’s affection. This was devastating to my discernment as I’d say yes to whoever offered me attention. On the bright side, I have gotten good at finding goodness in whatever comes my way. In fact, some might say that my tremendous ability to give thanks for what I’ve got is the silver-lining of believing that I wasn’t worth very much.
Still, my rosy lenses blurred and blinded the misfit parts that ached, as rather than recognize what felt out of line, I just tried to accept my fate. Of course, those I idolized had their very own blindspots, but they were hard to notice with my lack of experience and self-trust.
That being said, even when I have been able to make my own choices, actually saying no has not been easy either. Firstly, I’ve been raised to have a very inclusive heart. With a mom who worked in special education and a dad who has always had diverse friendships, I’ve been raised to see inherent worth in everyone and everything. But if everything’s got worth, then what’s the point of choosing? Am I being close-minded by saying no to some things?
This question was especially difficult as someone who’s unbelievably empathetic (when others feel sick, I, too, feel nauseous). Consequently, I was afraid of hurting other people’s feelings, and would avoid anything that could be perceived as rejecting (plus, it hasn’t helped that there’s been times when my empathy’s been used against me, when my heart-strings have been pulled to bypass my boundaries -though I admit I, too, have wined to get my way with things).
Still, there’s been times when the pressure’s been overt. Whether it was threats to my security or my social acceptability, deviance from the norm has felt scary and lonely.
But it’s been an awkward dance (to put it nicely) between the courage to change and full-on-face-planting. The hardest part has been maintaining my confidence as I forged forward with such blurry direction. With the smoky mirror confusions of things-not-as-they-seem, and the humbling teacher of hindsight walking next to me, so much of life has felt like a shot-in-the-dark, where falling and breaking is the risk that makes learning so hard.
How ‘bout a little mercy for the falls and farts of life’s discovery?
Thankfully, I’ve been granted love and compassion to continue making peace with the pains of progress. In the process, a key ingredient has been years of celibacy and isolation. With space to integrate all the lessons that came with all the guides (all the moments of clarity and all those that were blind), in my solitude, I have found a guide within, where I don’t have all the answers, but I do trust my method:
As I wonder how to tend this garden, I, too, am always tended.
Learning to serve the Earth has given me a compass.
The Mirror:
The Sweet Potato Choice (and all its spicy friends)
All that being said, with the arrival of spring, we’ve been deciding how to shape this season by choosing which plants we’ll be growing. Indeed, as much as I’d like to care for everything, it’s time-consuming. Each fruit and vegetable has vulnerable variables that require attention: sun, soil, pests, pruning and watering. In fact, every plant requires its own education, and everything learned is location dependent.
But this learning takes time. Most garden veggies take at least a season to start producing (and trees take much longer -years, even, before they bear their first fruit). So, knowing if you’ve “done it right” is often not realized for a very long time. And, by the time you’ve gotten there, there’s a whole slew of other variables that may have been thrown into the mix- a surprise drought or prolonged storm can make it hard to know if the poor yield was caused by soil conditions or by the weather-shock that happened in development. Though experienced gardeners attune themselves to subtle signals along the way, this language takes time to learn, and a lot of attention paid.
All that to say, I’ve not got the time to grow everything. I’ve gotta choose who will receive my tending, and who to commit to in the never-ending journey of learning to care. What will I protect and nurture? What will I multiply with my precious time? What will I hold on to when things are strained and tried?
Like everything in the ecosystem, we’ve all got gifts and needs; it’s not a question of good or bad things, but of right matching. Still, this requires clarity: What am I aiming for? What can I give? What help do I need?
Indeed, we all lean on each other in ways that compliment; it’s a beautiful part of life to be interconnected: to merge where you’re strong with where I’m weak, to combine where I’m overflowing with where you’re in need. These puzzle-piecing pillars of support are the great gifts of community.
What made this needing-each-other disempowering for me was shame for my vulnerability, self-loathing for where I’m weak, and disdain for where I’m learning. With unrealistic expectations, I’d globalize my imperfections to erase all my gifts; I couldn’t hold my light next to my darkness.
As a result, I felt pathetic. I didn’t feel capable of giving where I was needed. I didn’t have the confidence for healthy interconnection.
But, thankfully, the garden has helped me to appreciate and accept how life’s always in-progress; there’s always a part that’s young or broken right next to the part that’s giving something.
Focusing on my strengths has given me the confidence to seek support where I am weak. Trusting that I have something to give, gives me the confidence to also receive. Likewise, knowing my limits (unabashedly) has helped me to trust what I am giving.
With all this in mind, this week I’ve made some decisions on what to grow this season, with the sweet potato high on the list. Here’s why I’m gushing over it:
It’s highly nutritious, making it good for my tummy, brain, heart, eyes, immune system and even my mid-life vanities1. After years of fatigue digestive challenges, and immunity failing, this is essential for me (plus, I didn’t get the nickname “Stinky-Butt” for nothing).
It’s resilient to drought and heat2. Since I’m still learning, I need plants that are forgiving.
It’s generous and easily propagated: Just one plant can produce as many as 6 sweet potatoes3, and their leaves are also nutritious and edible 4. Plus, sweet potatoes can be grown from vine cuttings or “slips” (which are baby plants that grow out of them). Both are relatively easy to get going. In fact, right now, I’ve got cuttings from three different friends in my community -which is to say: sweet potatoes can be shared freely.
It’s lasting and versatile: Sweet potatoes can be grown all over the world, in climates that are temperate5, desert6 and tropical7. In tropical places8, sweet potato plants can grow perennially9. In temperate regions, they’re pretty good for storing10. Some even mill them into flour for longer keeping11. This is important as I’ve lived in different climates, making me value what grows in different places as I’ve been nomadic.
Finally, it’s sweet and satisfying: Yucky can be cleansing, but it’s not meant to be long-lasting. Often considered a famine food12, sweet potatoes make survival a sweet thing to do.
So- they’re a clear choice for me. And this choice has rippled into everything. As I make my way over-the-hill, I am committed to prioritizing that which nourishes and sustains life with resilience, generosity, and sweetness. Indeed, as the garden teaches: it’s important to choose reciprocity; there’s great joy in caring for that which cares for me.
That being said, the challenges of choosing don’t end with questions of who or what I give my time. In fact, it’s just the door opening to the ongoing journey of learning to love this life.
With this in mind, sweet potatoes are already teaching me (as my last harvest was pretty puny). Admittedly, I was disappointed: “All these plants, over all this time -and these tiny teasers are all that I find???” I was painfully reminded of my decade of pushing pellets into disheartened porcelain; no matter how much fiber I loaded, no matter how hard I grunted, I’d go days, weeks (and even months!) with no more than rabbit-sized kerplunks.
(These are moments that the amateur garden gives thanks for the supermarket.)
That being said, though it’s helpful to frame my failures within a larger learning (where, ultimately, everything has meaning), the hard truth is: growth edges can really hurt. Sure, it feels nice to talk about loving imperfections, until they produce consequences! In these moments, again I discern: How do I move forward? Do I endure or do I let go? If I stay, how do I keep hope?
In this case, the choice is clear: I’m sticking with this sweet potato. Sure, the tubers were no bigger than donkey turds, but they were plentiful and precious to me, satisfying and sweet: air-fried soft-on-the-inside and outside crispy, perfectly paired with some guacamole. Life doesn’t get much better than homegrown sweet potatoes with eggs over-easy.
This is just the beginning! We’re just starting to get to know each other. And, like any relationship, I trust that the yield will only get better as I grow my ability to care through all the weather.
So far, here’s a little bit of what I’ve been learning:
Firstly, I’m reminded that the more something gives, the more support it needs. Though sweet potatoes do offer so much, they also need a lot of time, space and food. So, this season I’m giving them more room. I’ve also begun concocting a homemade plant-food that’s made of things that I’ve already used: dried banana peels, crushed eggs shells, and used coffee -I’m amazed at how much there’s to give when I open my eyes to see.
I’ve also been reassured of the value of community. Being that sweet potatoes are so nutritious and yummy, humans aren’t the only ones who like to eat them (I’ve already met two bugs that find them delicious). That being said, from a whole-picture perspective, insects aren’t the enemy; we need them for making good soil and feeding the birdies! So, before I seek extermination, I’ve learned another way to give protection. By seeding a community of companions to grow within my sweet potato patches (chives, dill and oregano -with some marigold splashes), the bugs are deterred from my garden, but can still live in other places.
All this to say: choosing sweet potatoes is a domino of devotion that also means choosing everything that helps to grow them; the sharp and spicy are part of this sweet equation. That’s what’s so funny about ecosystems: there is no singular choice. While the sweet and the hearty do sustain me, they are protected by the potent and the spicy. So, whatever I choose, I must include lots of love for its opposite too.
With that in mind, my darling sweet potato, though I’m still learning to help ya shine, I’m so grateful to put in the time. You (and all of your friends), are worth every moment that I give of my life.
https://www.careinsurance.com/blog/health-insurance-articles/reasons-why-sweet-potato-is-a-superfood#:~:text=Keeps Your Heart Healthy Sweet potatoes are,by reducing the risk of heart disease.
https://ulu.coop/uala-production-guide
https://piedmontmastergardeners.org/article/how-to-grow-your-own-sweet-potato-slips/#:~:text=Each of those slips will,52 weeks equals 104 tubers.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24629984/#:~:text=According to the index of nutritional quality, sweet potato leaves are good sources of protein, fiber, and minerals, especially K, P, Ca, Mg, Fe, Mn, and Cu.
https://www.unboundroots.com/growing-sweet-potatoes-cooler-climates/
https://extension.unr.edu/publication.aspx?PubID=2742#:~:text=the%20nightshade%20family.-,CULTIVATION,needed%2C%20depending%20on%20the%20temperature.
https://ulu.coop/uala-production-guide
https://ulu.coop/uala-production-guide
https://www.laughingduckgardens.com/2020/04/25/its-not-too-late-to-make-sweet-potato-slips/#:~:text=Sweet%20potatoes%20are%20tropical%20perennial,they%20must%20be%20planted%20anew.
https://www.gardeningknowhow.com/edible/vegetables/sweet-potato/sweet-potato-storage-tips.htm#:~:text=Sweet%20potatoes%20are%20versatile%20tubers,potatoes%20for%20months%20of%20enjoyment.
https://borgenproject.org/solution-to-food-insecurity/#:~:text=The%20Impacts%20of%20the%20Sweet,children%20eat%20more%20nutritious%20food.&text=Sigrid%20is%20based%20in%20London,News%20for%20The%20Borgen%20Project.
https://extension.illinois.edu/blogs/garden-scoop/2019-11-30-amazing-sweet-potato
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