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I’ve had a tendency to inflate my self-importance. It’s embarrassing to admit it, but true. It’s not uncommon for me to yearn to be the most important one in the room. Still, it’s made me lonely cuz if I’m the most important one, then who do I lean on? Inflated self-importance denies me the intimacy that comes with interconnection and vulnerability. So I’ve been working on it, slowly and steadily.
But, the process has felt like tightrope-walking because undercutting my importance also isn’t the answer: the aim (like so many things) is balancing between extremes. In this case: to know how essential I am without losing sight of what’s essential in everything.
I was reminded of the challenge the other night as Venus rose like a diamond in the sky. Truth be told, I was feeling pretty insignificant at the time: it’s not easy to devote my whole heart to something that’s gone so unnoticed. Why would God make me a spring if no one seems to be drinking it?
Actually, the inflation of self-importance has come from feeling insignificant, whereby overcompensation has only amplified my loneliness. So, when Venus rose the other night with at least 3 carats of light, shining so bright that even the ocean sparkled white, I took the opportunity to admire her: the third brightest celestial body (after the moon and the sun), did you know that her light is a reflection? The thick clouds that cover her act like a mirror, reflecting about 70% of the sunlight that reaches her1. So near to the sun, she shares her light with everyone.
Breath-taken by her big beauty, I painted a picture of her and wrote her a little ditty. In the process, I, myself, felt seen. That’s the magic of creative reflecting: when I appreciate others’ gifts, I too feel received (join the chat to hear this little ditty)
That being said, while my reflection with Venus did satisfy a facet of my loneliness (it does help to see myself as brilliant), the art didn’t make all my sadness disappear; it simply made it easier to endure -which is helpful! For nearly 8 years now I’ve been on a solo-track, searching for the light within me. With my practice of creative reflection, I’ve made an inner-sanctuary that is impervious to the cycles of loss and gain and joy and pain that I navigate everyday. No matter what comes or goes, there is a place inside that always feels like home.
It’s been a phenomenal journey to find the constant companion that lives in all things, to know that I’m never alone (even as loss is guaranteed), to find the place within that offers endless safety. But, it hasn’t erased all my feelings of being lonely- I am a human after all, and we are social beings with an innate desire to be seen and appreciated as an essential part of surviving:
Loneliness is a vital warning signal that tells us that our basic human need for social connection is not met. Just like hunger and thirst are signals that we need food and water, loneliness signals that we need connection. And this signal is rooted deep within...2
Then, attached to signals of loneliness are warnings of being undervalued or unappreciated:
Millions of years ago, we were not the fastest animal, not the strongest, not the biggest animal. We were isolated mammals scurrying around, trying not to be lunch. We were prey. And then we formed these small social groups, and our survival potential increased so dramatically that human beings are everywhere. But to stay a member of that protective group, you have to contribute something: You have to have value. When we sense that somebody else sees us with less value, we worry that we will be kicked out of our protective group, and some predator will come and eat us. That we will be lunch. That we will not survive.3
With that in mind, I’m not too hard on myself when loneliness arises as I understand that it’s part of my construction. However, I’m also hesitant to let myself be swayed by public opinion because though we’re wired for connection, we’re also imperfect at it; we’re still figuring out this love thing, which, unfortunately, makes us dependent on something that doesn’t always offer much security. Indeed, there’s lots of reasons why someone might go underappreciated, many of which have absolutely no connection to the true value of what they’re offering.
So, while no amount of self-love can ever erase the human need for connecting, the inner-sanctuary does provide a place where I can survive the heart’s pin-balling between drought and storming. It’s why I’m still here despite the fact that for years I’ve gone so largely unseen.
Still, my heart yearns to share the love that I’ve been growing: What’s the beauty of light if not of service to the dark dancing?
So I began investigating the role that Venus plays in the big scheme of things, and it didn’t take long for me to read about Venus’s role in celestial navigating: sometimes the evening star, and sometimes the morning: Venus offers steady direction when the night and day are changing.
As a mirror, the purpose was gratifying: in proud posture and superhero costuming “I can provide direction when you’re lost at sea and flailing.”
However, after years of breaking relationships, I’ve learned a hard-learned lesson from the shadow-side of service where it’s a fine line between co and interdependence: if I’m only helping because I need to be needed, then my desperation gets in the way of what I’m giving. Indeed, needing to be needed has made me quite controlling as I’d become afraid of my lover’s wellbeing, and I felt jealous if they got help from anyone other than me.
Of course, the pattern has come from deep insecurity: if I can make myself indispensable, then you’ll have less chance of leaving; if we can need each other like the air we breathe, then we’re sure to hold on tightly. But these cycles of hurt and saving have drained my love completely. So, ultimately, I’ve become weary of my savior complex returning. That’s why I dipped out of dating (and so much of what I called “helping”) until I could celebrate your empowerment and still know that my life has meaning.
With all that in mind, I dug deeper into the navigational gifts of Venus to find (unsurprisingly), that she’s not alone in her service. In fact, her gift in the sky is made by her relationships; she only provides exact direction when other stars are referenced. This is because Venus doesn’t always rise in same place on the horizon; where she appears depends on the latitude and the season: always close to the sun, she rises more north in the summer, and more south in the winter, though just how north and just how south depends on the distance to the equator4.
But, even if a celestial navigator does know the direction that Venus rises in the sky, she doesn’t stay out all night. She dips under the western horizon following the setting sun, leaving hours of darkness that still need direction from someone: other stars and the moon (when they can be seen), the wind and the waves (when the clouds cover everything). In celestial navigation, no one element is the guide; the way is only found by the sum of weather and sky5. (Learn about the incredible Polynesian natural navigation techniques here)
What a spectacular realization to have in conjunction with this month’s planetary alignment- Mars, Jupiter and Uranus, Neptune, Saturn and Venus: all parading in unison. I couldn’t help but to see the reflection: when community shines together, we heal the wounds of co-dependence: no one carries the whole load, and yet we’re always needed.
All this to say: I still treasure Venus as a bright light that can often be seen when others are hard to find, and it’s a relief to know that she’s part of a team that guides.
Even so, the true compass is inside, where the navigator holds it all together: the sun and the stars, the moon and the weather. All coming together to serve the sea-farer’s call, which must be strong enough to risk it all as sailing brings plenty of challenges: big storms that throw you off-course, stealing time and draining resources. Indeed, the list of possible problems is longer than imagined, so to take those risks willingly requires the heart’s true calling- which you, my darling navigator, have clearly heeded as you brave your mission, so clearly committed.
I’m awe-struck and ignited. When you look up, dear navigator, I know my purpose.
So, though I may not be everything that you will ever need, shining for you, dear navigator, makes my whole heart sing.
Join Me in the Inner Sanctuary -where you are always loved and worthy
Thanks for loving This Wonderful World So Sweetly
https://coolcosmos.ipac.caltech.edu/ask/42-Why-is-Venus-so-bright-in-the-night-sky-#:~:text=Venus is so bright because its thick,in the sky (other than the moon).
https://www.thesocialcreatures.org/thecreaturetimes/evolution-of-social-connection#:~:text=Humans have survived for thousands,there were also biological changes.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-i-m-approach/202005/why-do-we-need-feel-valued#:~:text=Posted May 18, 2020 Reviewed,emotional, and impulsive limbic response.
https://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/equinox-track-suns-shift-between-now-and-solstice/
https://archive.hokulea.com/navigate/navigate.html
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